Where is God in loss?
On August 19th, I lost. I lost my guy. I lost a piece of my heart, I lost someone I could be vulnerable with, I lost an incredible role model and second father to my two boys, I lost just an incredibly nice guy, I lost someone who I loved to be around, I lost someone who challenged me, I lost someone who encouraged me, I lost someone who could complete my sentences, I lost someone who was fun and I lost someone who taught me unconditional love.
God gave me an incredible gift for the past 6 years. When John and I met, we both had much healing to do. Healing from childhood; past relationships and just life. I believe that God is in control and therefore there are no accidents, so John coming into my life at the time he did was absolutely divinely guided. And John leaving when he did, was also divinely guided. Where is God in loss? Right there.
On August 19th, my immediate reaction was to turn to God, not away. Not away in anger or disbelief, but rather in gratitude for an amazing journey that I was given the gift of being a key player. And honestly, a journey that was perfectly orchestrated from the first day. How else do you describe meeting someone and feeling like you’ve known them for years? Meeting someone for the first time and it just felt right. Knowing that you don’t want to go a day without them. Where is God in loss? Right there.
Just hours after John died, God was quick to show me the synchronicity leading up to his death that occurred over the past several months and even that day. We weren’t supposed to be home at the same time but both had decided to change plans at the last minute. I was running late from church and usually I’ll stay after and catch up on some conversations, however on that morning a little voice in my head said to hurry home which allowed us to have one last conversation. A conversation that was particularly focused and meaningful. We reflected on us, the boys and what the past years have meant for both of us. A topic that did not happen as often as it should. His brother wasn’t supposed to be in town that weekend for one last dinner. A gym we had been trying to sell was suddenly sold. Huge pieces of gym equipment left in storage for multiple years was suddenly all in a new home. The garage that I had been begging to get organized for the last 6 years, was suddenly in tip top shape. The home gym I had been asking to be built for years was suddenly all completed. Where is God in loss? Right there.
For the past few months, I joked with John and said to him that it seemed like he was “nesting.” It’s something I did right before the boys were each born and something others moms I know have done too. We get the house ready to welcome home the new baby. For me, I washed the baby’s clothes; put everything away in the dresser; got the crib ready and organized the baby’s room as well as other rooms in the house. The idea of nesting made me reflect in the week after John got called home. Did he know what was coming? Did God nudge him to clean the garage and put the gym together? I don’t know for sure but my heart says yes. It’s like when I knew that morning I needed to get home. Just like other moments in your life that you just “had a feeling.” Synchronicities happen constantly in our day and in our life. Sadness for me comes when I’m not open to them. When I’m closed to receive the overflow and abundance of love God has for us. Where is God in loss? Right there.
God gave me the gift of seeing John take his last breath. Right before he died, he looked straight ahead with a look of wonderment on his face and asked, “Heaven?” I immediately knew he was home and I could be at peace knowing that he was in the best place I could ever want for someone who was so loved so much. Where is God in loss? Right there.
An abundance of love outpoured on the boys and me. For sure a reflection of who John was as an incredible man. Psalm 23 says, “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me…” Through the hundreds of messages, hugs, calls, visits, meals, help….God used others to help us. I was so grateful for all the support. It was an integral part of getting us all through that first week. What if I hadn’t been open to receive all this love? What if I said, “I’m ok…don’t worry” “No, it’s ok, I’ve got it” It’s not that God isn’t there, it’s that we’re not open to receive what He has for us. Where is God in loss? He’s right there.
During the days after, sitting in silence, I could reflect on the beautiful lessons we shared with each other. How he helped me heal; how he helped me grow and how he through his own example showed me how to love. Our time together was a gift from God. It may not have been as long as I thought it would be but why focus on that? Where was God in loss? Right there.